The Zen of Relationship

With palms together,
Good Morning Everyone,

This morning Judy, Eve, Allen and me hiked through the desert, a desert saturated by summer rains. I have never seen our desert so lush, green everywhere. There were grasses growing on the desert floor and flowering plants in bloom everywhere. We took a trail we don't take very often and then went up an arroyo. The arroyo was a wide swath cut wider and deeper by the recent raging water coming down from the Organ mountains. From the arroyo we bush whacked across the ridges to get back to another trail that would take us to our starting point. By the time we were done, we were really feeling the effects of rugged hiking. After a breakfast of cold cereal we talked extensively. Judy and I do this from time to time. Sometimes its pleasant, sometimes not, but in the end, we feel closer together for it.
How does Zen fit into our relationships with each other? Buddhists are often accused of being self-absorbed naval gazers. Zen is often practiced in silence, facing a wall, and is known to be quite introspective. What then is the Zen of relationships? As My Little Honey has often pointed out, "There is the Zen of everything, why don't I ever hear about relationships?"

What might be the practice principles of relational Zen?

I suspect they are similar to all Zen principles: a focus on attending to the moment, as it is, and for the activity occurring within it. It is not about blanking out or zoning out when in the middle of a stressful conversation with a loved one. Nor is it about not being upset or angry. The Zen of relationships is about our relationship to our relationship. And its about being authentic in the process.

Are we present in our relationship? Do we open ourselves to our partner? Do we allow ourselves to be vulnerable? Are we compassionate or do we close the door to our open heart as soon as the going gets tough?

I know from my point of view, a view not always shared by My Little Honey, I am a compassionate and caring person, present in the moment most of the time. But I am not always there for her and I am not always open or compassionate. The balance is not just between who and what am I there for, it goes deeper than that.

We speak of non-self, of dropping away of self, of the fact that self is itself an illusion. Yet, wherever we go, there we are. Self is present. Its our relationship to it that matters so much. When we start with self, big problem. When we start with other, also big problem. Our start and finish really must be in our relationship with everything.

When I say "I", I am including the universe within that construct. I and other are one. Maybe we should replace "I" with "we" in most of our conversations, including internal conversations. Maybe "We" Zen is the Zen of relationship. Sort of like Martin Buber's I-Thou word pair. We must consider Big Mind and Small Mind as One Mind. Just so, "I" and "You" are "We", a singularity of its own, but complete and universal.

Yet all of this comes to nothing, is mere mental masturbation, if we do not have the willingness or develop the skill to apply it.

What do you think are the skills necessary to apply the Zen of Relationship?

Be well.