Life As It Is

With palms together,
Good Morning and L'Shana Tova,

Last night was the beginning of the Jewish Days of Awe, the High Holy Days. Judy and I were blessed to be invited to sit at the bimah during the service as we each read parts of the liturgy. I must say, it was a wonderful experience!

I wasn't so sure I was going to be able to get through it. My body and mind do not do so well as evening approaches. We had been graciously invited to join friends at a New Year's Eve dinner celebration which began at 5:00 PM. I had taken part of my evening meds so that my leg would not go spastic during the evening service and they kicked in, masking it even more difficult for me to be both alert and physically stable. I ended up resting in my friend's study before and after the meal.

It is interesting to witness these changes in my body and mind. I used to be such a night person, often staying awake until near dawn only to go through the next day with a high degree of energy. At this point I feel good if I am able to be alert until 8:00 PM. My leg is giving out on me. I find it more and more challenging to get it to move, let alone move correctly. And so on.

Its not me I feel so much about, and I do not fear the future, what does nag at me is the sense I have that others are so worried about me. The Rabbi last night made spoke to me after the service saying he would try to have me be more involved in the mornings. My friends are understanding, but I see concern in their eyes and hear it in their voices. I have always been such an independent cuss. And this independence and desire to take care of myself has been good for me, but not always so good for those around me. I do not easily ask for help, and am not as gracious as I would like to be in receiving help.

Life is as it is: I do not prefer it to be otherwise. I would like to be free to chose to accept or decline a task or an invitation rather than have it taken from me by the concern of others. Yet, I know this will not always be possible: we cannot control other's feelings or need to be of help.

In the end, I have great faith in my practice and my ability to be flexible, although these are not always so readily apparent to those closest to me. These challenges are offering me many practice opportunities. I am sure each of you have such opportunities, as well.

May we each be waves at one with the water we are, and in this way, be peace even in the midst of a storm.