The Deep End

With palms together


Good Morning Everyone,



Stepping off into the deep end of the pool requires a few things. Courage, faith, and a certain foolhardiness, as well as a sense of centered acceptance of life as it presents itself. We must have faith in our ability to swim without aid of the pool bottom. We must have the courage to test that faith. We must be reckless enough to take the chance itself. Lastly, but I think most importantly, we must know our center intimately enough to know that regardless of any possible outcome, including drowning, we will be serene in the process. Serenity in this case, is a palpable acceptance of what is.



So if we are swimming, serene. If we are fearful, serene. If we are drowning, serene. We must use the word, centered, here to help us make sense of what I am calling serene. It isn’t that we are not struggling to stay afloat if something happens and we have begun to drown. We are struggling. But we are struggling knowing we are struggling and being completely with that struggling. When we are one with something that thing no longer exists opposed to us, but is us.



Recently I felt incredibly lonely. It was a day where I spoke to no one, saw no one, and even was prevented from doing computer work by the fact that I was going through a thorough scan of my computer, a process that took nearly four hours. During that time I faced myself quite directly. I saw the risks I have taken clearly. Family and friends are not what they were. I have changed my relationship to them. They rarely call and, to be honest, I rarely call them. It’s just not the same.



So, I sat at my desk in my little study/bedroom and experienced deep loneliness. It was my deep end of the pool. I went through self-pity, deep questioning of my motives, and a variety of feelings from fear and anger to hurt and sadness. In the end, I discovered I am OK. Here I am in this moment writing to you and offering something, I don’t know what.



I am a monk. I practice zazen. This is my new pool and my new stroke. Be well.