Sit Down and Shut Up

With palms together,
Good Morning Everyone,

There is a place of no suffering. It is a place where we live in complete freedom and complete responsibility, yet without fear, without pain, without loss. I touch this place on very sweet occasions. Rare, like the so sweet passing chill in the air on a hot summer’s day, it is not something that can stay with us. Unless. Unless.

Yesterday I felt very tired. The day before was quite long and exhausting. I left Torah study early, took a nap, and found that I had slept right through the first meeting of a new class I had looked forward to attending. Dokusan with Student Dai Shugyo was followed by another rest period, then off to do meditation at Temple Beth El.

Usually this is followed by yoga, but yesterday was different. The Social Action Committee had scheduled a meeting right in the middle of the class. Since I was invited to become the next chair of that committee, I attended.

After the committee meeting, I went home to meet with my Jisha, Soku Shin. We talked about our day and about me in relation to it. My Jisha helps me clarify; she is like a living kyosaku. What I am coming to address in my life is a repeated theme: how to deal with negative comments and views regarding myself.

Some people’s assessments of me can be quite hurtful and for years, I have had these assessments passed to me through my loved ones and friends. It always feels like a mystery to me as my view of myself is one that suggests I am a person who is nearly always kind, open and caring, willing to help, and willing to set aside self in service to others.

So, when I hear I am somehow not as good as I should be, that I hurt those I care about, and that those I am in relation to can ‘do better’, I am stunned, actually. I wish people could just say such things directly to me rather than go through my friends and loved ones. Such moments are serious teachers and I need to pay close attention to them. As a result, I feel the need to sit down and shut up.

So, for a while, I think I will.

Next week I am off to NY for a retreat with veterans and to visit with Claude Anshin. I look forward to it.
Be well.